Mother's mother.

A busy morning, an elderly woman, a van stuffed with passengers like a can of sardines and I.

Carrying bags of vegetables that numbered more than her fingers, guess she just got back from the local market. Standing behind her, I saw each wrinkles of her hands that I like to think resembles her life's events.

She was ahead of everybody else but sat last before me. Preoccupied with her burdens, I joined in and sat beside her with my bag on my left hand and two of hers at my right. Without a word she took (snatched) them from me once we're both seated. At this moment, my eyes are still at her hands with her greens, hoping to hear a "thank you" but none was uttered.

I arrived my destination and off I went without looking back at her bags, her hands nor her face. Did she once took a glimpse of me or any parts of me while I was sitting or as I was walking away?

Its now quarter before midnight. I miss my grand mama.

I want to be so much closer to you and more.

Dancing on every strands of your hair,
resting on your eyelid, caressing the wrinkles around your eye.
To dive in and out of your every pores,
and giggle at the tingling goosebumps from your very soothing warm breath.
Good night Love, I feel safe sleeping under your skin. 

A cuppa.

Life is a cup of steaming hot (bitter) coffee.
I sip - it burns my tongue.
I taste, I cringed.
I swallow, its bitterness dwells.
I've gotten used to it but I could use a sugar or two.

An abortion you should have. Even the mighty man Himself, permits.

She's pregnant with her horrible words and judgmental thoughts. So full of it, not one morning her body doesn't wake up with her morning sickness, wanting to puke it all out. By noon she uncontrollably binge, "eat for two!" she / they say. Eating, feeding more evil into her. Then tomorrow the same cycle continues.

Continuously... I can't imagine the monster.

A lacto-ovo something.

Once more, for a period of time, for different undisclosed reasons.
I'm 80% there. All thats needed is the extra 10% self-control and 10% will.

No interference of any sort.

"Wiping off others' saliva from everything, from my food and from my thoughts."

- septemberlanguage

Hungry, but I don't know what I'm hungry for.

Waiting for you to embrace me.

Lately, everything is a rush.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock,tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, ick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock

I'm going all madness with this time-shortage!

Each 24hours pass me by faster than the previous day.

I can really use a few extra hours in a day and maybe a couple of extra months in a year.

Time waits for no one and we need to adjust ourselves around it - The truth that contradicts to everything that I'm feeling.

Like a baby, fresh out the womb.

Life as of now (visually) :

Photo courtesy of Zenjitjit

Life, back to square one (or should I say, dot one?)

Breaking out from the norms and no longer wanting to be in a quandary. Looking forward to nothing but to start fresh (new way of living, new perspective, new direction, new plans, to gain more knowledge etc) on a newly spread canvas.
I am the center of everything. Apart from God, I am my own cynosure.

No one (not even you) can ruin it for me.

The remaining days of October is going to be just, nothing but, great :)

And here, just to share what I've been listening to repeatedly since the past 48hours.

Freedom's so near, I can taste it!

Each passing second contributes to a minute of happiness.
Running and rolling naked at a big green field at the end of this dreadful marathon would be rad.

"We are not responsible for our oppression, but we must be responsible for our liberation."

Running from state lines and life.

I know you stop by here every now and then.
If only you can let everything be gone and wish to start anew.

A head heavy with massive full-blown stress.

I can no longer tolerate this stressful 24/7 job.

Can and had but now cant anymore.

Should start avoiding myself from getting white hair and wrinkles. HEH.

Hybrid.

It's been some time.

Its been a year and I'm fine.

Happy monthsary hairy

In the water, I am beautiful.

Apart from trekking and hiking, I too enjoy swimming (you're questioning my figure now, no? haha). And after so long of not doing it, I finally did today around sunset as the weather today was perfectly good and I had a bag-full of time.
Other days if it wasn’t because of time then it’s the weather. When it’s not the weather then it’s the time. When it’s neither both, it’s the pms! Sigh.

Swam most of the time front-side up while looking onto the sky which gradually changes its warm orange appearance to black and blue, where the moon soon appeared. Floating in the water and looking straight to the waxing crescent moon in a quiet surrounding does make me feel like I'm in the center of the Celebes sea. Being alone in the pool with no one else adds to the feel.

But booo the pool water wasn’t clear today. I blame the rain, chlorine and perhaps human urine too.
This post might be totally pointless but what matter is that today I swam a joyful swim.

Rupanya~

11:16pm Me
HAHAHAHHAAHA
hahahaahahhaahaha
ada gaya suda oh ko.
hahahahaha
ngam la
ada dua boat company yg uniform drang baju kuning ni
nahh kubing lg
hahahahah
kubing?????

11:19pm Ass-catcher
apa barng tu kubing?
kakakaka

ada2 sja ni ayat baru ko

11:19pm Me
typo baitu, sy mau taip kuning tp tertaip kubing.
tp ada ba tu perkataan. slalu sy dingar urang cakap cicak kubing. nahh
bukan itu meh tu?

11:22pm Ass-catcher
aaah pandai2
kubing butul
nah jadi sdh perkataan baru
kakakaka
punya main kubing
kakakaka
itu cicak,cicak kubin laa

11:23pm Me
hahahaahaah. ahh ko ni yg kasi jadi² ayat baru. hahahahahah
cheii kubin ka pula. jd slama ni sy sebut tu salah la? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
punya main kubing ko ni

11:25pm Ass-cathcer
ko la kubing,cicak pun ko salah panggil smpai hari ni

11:25pm Me
hahahaahhaahaha
ngam ba cicak, cuma yg kubin tu slh. hahahahahaha
cicak panggil sja la cicak. kanapa ada KUBIN dia lg di blakang
hahahaaha

11:26pm Ass-catcher

ingat cicak teda maruah ka cincai2 panggil nama
kakakaka
yg ada kubin tu spesis lain maaa

11:26pm Me
hahahhahaha yala ba, cam guard cicak pula ko ni. hahaha
oh yaka? HAHAHAHA. aiya, mau wiki psl cicak la dlu ni

11:27pm Ass-catcher
kakakaka
mualu
mulau

11:27pm Me
nasib slama ni sy nda parnah type cicak kubing di mna2
sma ko sja la. first time laini. ahei

11:27pm Ass-catcher
ah,ada jga tu orng yg dngr ko ckp tu
cuma durang pura2 sja tu

11:30pm Me
hahahahhahahaha
tampar ko sna
mau kasi malu urang lgi
mnada
"ng" sy silent ba

11:31pm Ass-catcher
kakakaka
champen kunun cover

kubin rupanya. adui -_-"

Nobody really knows?

This feeling of needing to talk to you all the time, 24/7, is a dread.
I enjoy every bit of our conversation. Many fun ones we had and I sure can' get enough.
Am i really pondering and loving only the talks? or is it rather with whom I'm conversing with?

Well its true John. Nobody, not even I, really knows.

eek!

This runny nose just won itself first place. brrrrrrrrr

You, I.

When we open ourselves,
you yourself to me and I myself to you.
when we submerge,
you into me and I into you.
When we vanish,
You into me and into you I.

Then,
am I me,
and you are you.

BAHAMA MAMA

I today officially declare that I would stop being passive here.
I am overly zealous by the thought of me blogging actively again, for no apparent reason.
These simple random thoughts does contribute a lot of joy. haha
Cant wait to post more shiznits!

If i don't do as i say, just remember its the thought that counts. hahaha

Would he know, would he know? oh would he ever know?

Its not the hair, neither its his breathtaking smile,
nor his thrilling gaze, nor his flawless figure.

But it is of his meaning,
his movement,
his radiance.

Mother, without a doubt, would definitely be proud.

mmm, buttery sweet popcorn.

Do me a favor, pull me out.

I detest dwelling in places which I have no destination nor direction.
But I was left wandering in this desert, blindfolded.
Please unlock me from this waiting-cage.
Please, send me home, out from this desert.

Let me warm your cold feet with my humble skirt.

Lingering chimes every time I step my feet on the ground.
The cold dawn breeze blew through every strands of my brunette hair.
At that instance, it was cold but I felt warm and my blood triggered a blush.
It felt like summer.
Thou it has long gone, but the warmth of that bygone temperate summer would sometimes, sometimes, coat me in this winter.

Best RM2.50 spent. ever.

uu yeah~!

Der Vorleser

The movie is admirably brilliant.
Currently yearning for the book.

**update on 12 Feb 2010:
got my hands on the book! :D
uber stoked to finish it!

A being, being reckless.

This is related to my previous post here.

Since then, plans had been taking off smoothly on the highway. But now, let's just say that this car is continuing its journey on a gravel road.

The current state I'm in, expose this mind-book to a full chapter of unwise thinking that are capable of luring me easily into unwise actions.

Luckily enough, unwise actions I have not done. Its a struggle, as feelings of giving up, if put in a pot, are boiling at its highest point.

Even in all these, I know that I am going to do just fine as I know that I can depend to the One that would never disappoint and abandon. I am indeed very grateful and thankful.

Life of me now has opened my eyes. Made me realise things take I took for granted when I was so caught up with happiness that are proven bogus.
Therefore, I have no time to be in vain, no time to be unfaithful, no time to be proud. As only absurd human repeat their mistakes.
I know that Thy wants what is best.

Adieu almost-lover. Would ye always be missed?

Your fingertips across my skin. The palm trees swaying in the wind.

Images.

You sang me Spanish lullabies.The sweetest sadness in your eyes.

Clever trick.

We walked along a crowded street.You took my hand and danced with me.
Images.

And when you left you kissed my lips.You told me you'd never ever forget these images.

No.

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean.

I cannot drive the streets at night.

I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind.

So you're gone and I'm haunted.

And I bet you are just fine.

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover.

Goodbye my hopeless dream.

I'm trying not to think about you.

Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you.

I should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do.

Betwixt Ye and I

Bring me. Take me. Direct me. Lead me. Guide me.

To dwell in what is well.

Lord, free me from this feeling would You?
I despise this feeling that tells me I'm somewhat responsible to ensure that the man is fine. Sigh.
If I were to listen to human pride, I won’t be bothered to even bother.
But I listen to my intuition of what’s right, and spilled the news to the man.
I’ve done my part. My role has ended.
I should now take care of myself and make sure that I am alright.
But why do I still feel what I presently feel?
Why do I worry about the man, whom is mute towards me, whom is adult and matured enough to understand and take care of himself? I have no answer.
Yes readers, I am slightly foolish I supposed.
Perhaps my human nature is to be blame, for I am the type of human who tends to treat people with a good manner even when they don't necessarily deserve it. And don't mention sympathy as I sympathize very easily.
But what’s done is done. I’m sure he’s going to be just fine. I wish nothing but good for the man.

And still Lord, this feeling I don’t approve. Help seize it. Amen.

I yearn thee, solace.

It's been exactly a month since I was trapped in a torpedo of depression and sorrow.

Now exhausted, I'm leaving that storm and wander far from it and find solace.

This heaviness, it would get lighter.

Those hard feelings, let there not be any.

We as foe? I certainly want us to shun away from that.

Friends are always better than foe, yes?

Like a kid, I'm running towards that nonviolent, sereneful fresh air I freed myself to.

"Time heals; time flies; time healed" - septemberlanguage

You 're draining every bits of positive molecules left.

How patient I was.
How tolerate I was.
How understanding I was.
How SANE I was.
and why on mother earth do I deserve this?
What do you take me for?
I was taken aback.
How unacceptable.

You 're draining every bits of positive molecules left in me.
You seriously are.

Where's the untrue to this?

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hairs.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes. Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not the facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman, with passing years-only grows."

answer: none, all is truthful and exact.

No point of not going

time, how great the dissapointment.

Weighing I down.
Drowning I deep.
Deep and down, my present long-time blissfulness now lessen.
That talk, my intuition alarmed I shouldn't. But the head is a stubborn head, that stubbornly ignores the dearest intuition.
From that being done, I got the truth. And true, that truth are thou not always pleasant , but it has made me content.
Thee said time would tell. If that's the case, time, you have failed me completely. Whenever this ear hears clock ticks, I am being reminded of what I despise, which is time itself.
Waiting was said to be a dread. I apologies if to cause you that.
But only situation and human nature are entirely to be blame. As I take too long and thee has patience of a baby with his milk.

Decided to only start thinking after the encounter of you and I, to see whether it was still the same before and after. The anticipation came to an end at last. The moment still swims freshly in my pool of mind.
At that present time, all I got are crisscross signs, where it pulled me to again extend the time where I am finally to be sure.
Time played a dirty game and look what it has done. How heavy.

Wish the best for us, individually.
Somehow, now and then the devil relentlessly whispers to persuade, so that I would wish things be better for me and not to you. But following the wish of a devil is a sin and sin I shall not.
We ought to surrender everything to time, despite my abhorrence towards it, I give in.
So yes, time would tell.

ill-fated

The things that I have feared, since that one incident, had occurred.

I know sooner or later it would come, it's just a matter of when.

Forced and told myself to believe that this doesn't affect me is a self-lie and total nonsense.

Lying is never my best qualities, thus my mind shouldn't be obligated to trust such a lie.

But I personally think that things are at it's best. It just happened without planned so I am convinced this is how things are supposed to be. I'm going to let this be a life lesson/experience that we fellow human beings will somehow undergo to gain a thing or two and also to acknowledge ourselves with the different categories of people that we may bump into during our period of living.

Even though I can't deny this melancholy feeling but not all good things are meant to end happy.

Furthermore, this wasn't a sorrowful lost as I have certain dissatisfaction, well not exactly dissatisfaction but more like a discontentment of how you acted and handled certain situations that did hurt me in a way , which I'm very darn sure you aren't aware of.

But none of this matter anymore aye? I can see that we are comfortable and more okay this way.

Yes friend, after 2 years of friendship, without a closure, we have moved on. I moved on.

And if you read this, which I bet you would, let it be tomorrow or next week or next month or even next year, don't bother to do anything about it as this is not something to draw your attention but it's rather just me venting out my thoughts/feelings and also as a reminder incase I forget.

stoked? extremely.

Feed yourself here

update**

Watched the movie after waiting for almost half a year is a great contentment.

The movie, it does make me think of myself, my family, my friends, acquaintances, people who I passed by every day at the pavement, the person whom I sit next to in the bus and it even got me wondering about him who sat beside me in the cinema. In the dark room, filled with people, with only screen - lights glowing on our faces, my mind concentrated on both thinking and watching. For a moment I felt as if it was only I who was watching this movie and as if it it was only I that worry if this fiction that I'm watching would turn into a reality that we will all soon (maybe) witness.

worry, worry.

Its not just about a movie, its the bigger picture.

Tofu earth

A fragile, vulnerable earth.
Like a mother that take cares and nurture her kids, but in the end abandoned.
Whom gives and provides too much, but too often gets nothing in return.
But lucky that not all human beings are born with such ignorant attitude.
Our country had recently, for the first time, joined something that started in sydney about 2 years ago.
Here, the support weren't much visible. Tolerable for any new comer, but hope people would be more concern next time.
Now that it's becoming something worldwide, the earth can now smile a little and relax a little.

1 week before:




8.30pm

Continuation to an abandoned journey

It was God's willing on how everything just fell into places perfectly on that beautiful day before Sabbath. Attended revo for the 1st time during its 2nd tour in town. Knew about it last time, but I couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge myself with any single little info about it.
But last Saturday, I, who use to ignore, was there.
Funny how something that only lasted for a few hours can make me flash back and rethink my life of 20years.

That day my happiness was different. It binds with the feeling of extreme contentment, bliss, enjoyment, satisfaction, and definitely peace.

Recommitting? I am.

updatesy dursy

Last weekend till today had been a really incredible and fun one.
Last Saturday was sxa show, didn't think that I'll make it to the show as working is in the way.
Texted Laura right after I finished work, Laura, Nana and I ended up taking the bus to tuaran. All I can tell u that it was such a dreadfull ride from kk till tuaran. The bus was moving reaaaaallll slow, we're late and we missed quite alot of bands, and it was raining heavily. Hope that the rain would stop when we arrived at the bus stop, but it got worse.
Luckily the rain got a little bit soft-hearted with us when kelek arrived to pick us up, atleast we dont have to go to the car wet. Atlast, we've made it to the venue. We only managed to watch a few bands as we were late, incredibly fashionably late. bhaha
Anyway, sxa and escape the plainview sets are 110% good, no doubts. good good good!
Went home after the show and went out again around 1am, hangout and met everybody then head to the airport to send sxa and jeremy.
jeremy, i'll see you and the sweater in 2months time!
sxa, great show and hope to see you guys again.

Arrived home around 7am from the airport, then head straight to work after that.
Luckily I was assigned to go to the islands. Not much work to do there, which is great as I am incredibly exhausted and sleepy that morning till the extend where I almost dooze-off by the time I'm at the 2nd island.
Hope my guest from czech republic didnt notice my sleepiness and puffy eyes when we were talking about rafflesia and mushrooms. haha
Sent them off to their hotel around 4pm then head back home and sleep.

Gonna continue bout my week soon. soon soon monsoon~!

At peace

Just arrived home from an oh-so-amazing trip, one which I haven't had for a long time and one that I surely need.
Went to explore the new KKIA after sushi with the bunch of beloved wackos. It's hilarious how the airport made us all excited, we keep imagining ourselves actually traveling together and waiting for our departure while looking at the arrival and departure screen. haha. I'm really dying to be in that day where it would really happen. Well soon it will, soon.
After KKIA we head to, what we call the end of the world.
A dead-end of a road to be specific, it's a quiet and consoling place. And just after that road, lies the ocean. The place has no lights whatsoever, but thanks to tonite's full moon, we have sufficient light. hoho.
The colour of the ocean and the sky are almost impossible to tell apart. The horizons are nearly invisible, it's like staring into an endless space.
It totally was calming just to hear the sound of the ocean hitting the rocks while sitting on the rocks chilling and talking.
Definitely what I desperately need after all these long busy days of mine.
Went to other bunch of places after that. All in all, I am now calmer, relaxed and very content. Oh and definitely sleepy. Think I better put myself to sleep now.
Good night wanderers.

A resemblance of what I saw.

Hope tomorrow would too.

I feel incredibly cheerful and delighted at the moment.
For no apparent reason. Not because of why, who or what.
So yea, just to inform. Hoho.
Ciao ciao!

p/s: And yes fair maiden, 100% confirmed. haha

No longer anywhere

In some sense, I felt invisible and being pushed away.
Intentionally or unintentionally, it doesnt matter. Same shit.
Don't wanna try no more. I'm just letting things be like how it is right now.
If things get better, I'll be grateful.
If things get worse, I'll just blame my luck.

Focused yet indesicive

Hello hello familiar place, been so long since my last visit.
As usual, I'm pretty caught up with some stuff in my life and I barely have sufficient me-time.
But I'm not complaining. I'm starting to like it. heh
Today was somewhat a good day to break free from my boring routine, become a sit-in guide for the most adorable family I've ever seen.
Ms Peng, from China came to Sabah with her most lovable parents. We couldn't stop talking from the moment we left the airport. What friendly people they are. Waiting for them about 30minutes in the arrival hall seems like the smallest matter, despite the fact that I hate hate hate waiting. Especially in situations where I have to stand and wait at the same time. I really hate waiting. Did I mentioned that I hate waiting? Grah
After their city tour, dinner and helping them to check into their hotel, it's time for me to head home.
Hope they would enjoy their one week stay here.

Okay back to the main point, have you ever had a clear long-term plan on what you ought to do with your life that eventually makes you feel so damn determined and focused to make it happen however whenever? I'm sure you do.
I am right now.
Strongly focused with will and determination as big as the ocean to accomplish all the things that I had planned, built and pictured in my head for myself.
But in that driven will, determination, focus and certainty, lies a big chunk of indecisiveness.
Somewhere in that big plan of mine, I still can't decide clearly about certain things. Things that could effect the whole so-called clear plan. Urgh.
I could throw my plans aside but NO, I wont. In my whole life, this is the time where I seriously want to dump my serious procrastinating problems away for good. Don't want this to be another plan undone.
I'm now starting the first step. Lets just hope everything goes well from there.

Everything else seems less interesting

illuminated

"I will describe my eyes and then begin the story.

My eyes are blue and resplendent.
Now I will begin the story."

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy.
And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach.
By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone.
By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness.
I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.

I am not sad. I am not sad.

Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness,
insofar as it was an empty white room.
He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed,
like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all.
And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping.
And by the mid afternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else.

I am not sad."

Awfully discontent

I'm getting lazier minute after minute.
My sense of rensposibility is slacking day by day.
The enthusiasm has long gone.
I'm being ignorant towards important things including myself.
Feelings of lack-ness.
I want to procrastinate everything.
All the many more reasons to be discontent.


Saturday's here, I might be 1% content.

This infatuation..

This thing towards thee leaves as fast and easily as it comes.
But it keeps coming back.
Uncertainty or just something to fill me up when I'm feeling empty?