Thursday, February 26, 2009

Focused yet indesicive

Hello hello familiar place, been so long since my last visit.
As usual, I'm pretty caught up with some stuff in my life and I barely have sufficient me-time.
But I'm not complaining. I'm starting to like it. heh
Today was somewhat a good day to break free from my boring routine, become a sit-in guide for the most adorable family I've ever seen.
Ms Peng, from China came to Sabah with her most lovable parents. We couldn't stop talking from the moment we left the airport. What friendly people they are. Waiting for them about 30minutes in the arrival hall seems like the smallest matter, despite the fact that I hate hate hate waiting. Especially in situations where I have to stand and wait at the same time. I really hate waiting. Did I mentioned that I hate waiting? Grah
After their city tour, dinner and helping them to check into their hotel, it's time for me to head home.
Hope they would enjoy their one week stay here.

Okay back to the main point, have you ever had a clear long-term plan on what you ought to do with your life that eventually makes you feel so damn determined and focused to make it happen however whenever? I'm sure you do.
I am right now.
Strongly focused with will and determination as big as the ocean to accomplish all the things that I had planned, built and pictured in my head for myself.
But in that driven will, determination, focus and certainty, lies a big chunk of indecisiveness.
Somewhere in that big plan of mine, I still can't decide clearly about certain things. Things that could effect the whole so-called clear plan. Urgh.
I could throw my plans aside but NO, I wont. In my whole life, this is the time where I seriously want to dump my serious procrastinating problems away for good. Don't want this to be another plan undone.
I'm now starting the first step. Lets just hope everything goes well from there.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

illuminated


"I will describe my eyes and then begin the story.

My eyes are blue and resplendent.
Now I will begin the story."



"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy.
And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach.
By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone.
By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness.
I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.

I am not sad. I am not sad.

Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness,
insofar as it was an empty white room.
He
would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed,
like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all.

And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping.
And by the mid afternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else.

I am not sad."